Have You Ever?

It has been a while since my fingers have found themselves dancing across a keyboard. I have had lots of starts but no middles or finales. Mostly because it’s hard to write about what’s going on with oneself 

when one doesn’t have a clue what it’s all about. So I do my favorite thing-I retreat into my cave and pull the rock closed. Hibernation.

Have you ever done that? Run away instead of facing the bullet? I am quite the professional at doing that so if you need help just call on me. However, thankfully, I do eventually turn and face down the culprit that is causing me problems. I have as my ultimate intention this lifetime-Let’s get this done as I DO NOT wish to deal with it in my next lifetime. And so, I turn to my dreams and my wonderful, varied members of the team of folk who help me wander through the mire, muck and light to be found in the dreams and real life detective work.

For example.

Have you ever felt like you didn’t fit in? Have you ever searched high and low for that special place where you fit in, like sinking down under the covers of the most wonderful bed you’ve ever slept in? Ever since Max, my hubby, and a few years later my last immediate family member, my younger sister, Phyllie/Triveni (her spiritual name), transitioned to the great beyond, I have found myself floundering and flopping around on the beach like that proverbial fish out of water. I have thought I needed to find that place, that group, that conviction where I solidly fit in.

Taking all sorts of classes, I have become a dream interpreter, regression hypnotist, and channeler. I am also learning I am gifted with a lot of the mystical clairs which fit nicely with these new talents I’m cultivating-clairvoyance, clairaudience, clairsentience, and clairalience (clear smelling). However, there’s been too many classes in this Mystical World of Woo that draw me away from what I really need to be doing-writing. It’s hard to resist but I now put my foot down. I shall finish what I am taking now and refine what I already have finished, like my QHHT, Quantum Healing Hypnosis Technique, Delores 

Cannon’s method of regression hypnosis.

What does this have to do with fitting in? Well, during these last months of debacles, which led to growth, I’ve begun to understand, hopefully, what it means to “Live” in this life. I once asked my guides 

what is it I was supposed to be doing with my life. They gave me a one word answer.

“Live.”

During one of the diving in the dark pit times, I weepily asked a friend, “Have you ever felt like you don’t fit in anywhere?”

Bless his pea-picking heart. “Roda, you’re not meant to fit in anywhere,” he said softly. “Why would you want to be boxed in like that? You’re meant for much more.” I have been pondering on that for weeks now and realized how right on he was. It’s given me a new-found freedom about who I am and my life.

Also, recently I took the bite of a YouTube video on “Are you a Multipotentialite Woman?” and watched, fascinated. Turns out I fit the description of a M Type Woman to a T which gave me another sense of freedom to be...me.

Have you ever looked at yourself from alternative angles and discovered there is a whole other you there? Lack of confidence has been a major hurdle for me. I need to add the shame in there, as the shame I was taught to have for myself for having confidence and believing in myself has definitely been a major block.

Very recently I was given a grand gift by one of the Dreams Team members of looking at that shame from a different angle. Finally standing up to my mother-on the other side of the veil-I demanded to 

know what in the world was wrong with me being PROUD of myself. I have worked really hard to get to where I am, fought off Grief, faced down fears and doubts, stood tall when all I truly wished to do was go run to my cave, slam the rocky door and stay put forever. You know by now, that’s not my style. I’m no quitter.

The other day I heard something which led me to think back over my life. I admit that I usually do that from a selfish point, a little pitty pot in there, from being the last one left behind in my immediate 

family. But this time I was thinking of all the people who have been in my life and helped me along the road to my highest potential. The members of the Dreams Team for one. Wow. How grateful I am for their support and love.

Non-woo friends and woo friends, the folk at Starbucks who remember my name, my immediate family, even though they’re all on the other side, and the cousins, nieces and nephews, etc., have all helped shape me. Bosses that had patience and willingness in dealing with me, those fascinating people I’ve had the fortune to write about, those I have loved and those I’ve walked along the sea-shore with. Mish and his mom. Fellow workers, students and those I’ve been lucky enough to have encounters with. It all makes me understand I’m not alone. I never have been. I simply have to adjust my attitude, not easy, but doable.

I think of my family on the other side often. I am grateful we chose each other this lifetime to grow together, laugh together, grieve together, love together. That’s what life is, right? I admit to feeling 

short-sheeted at first when they were all gone, caught in a tangle I didn’t think I would find my way out of. But, now, peace is finding it’s way into my life and I’m coming to understand what that word “Live” 

means. Definitely different than what I previously thought. Oh, I still have too many projects, watch too many YouTube videos, procrastinate too much but hey, I’m a M type woman. I’ll get there.

Now when I think-Have you ever? Yes, I probably have, but I’m not done yet. I’m pretty darn proud of me, Roda, the third child of four, the girl who never thought she fit in on Mother Earth. At least for this 

blog, listening to soothing Sound of Cinema, I fit in this world just fine and am ready for the adventures left out there to experience.

So I urge you to Be Proud of Yourself! You deserve it. Sit up there on a cloud and look down from that new view. Watch all those trials and triumphs you’ve gone through to find yourself sitting here reading this, and knowing in your heart center that you are so special and without a doubt, you absolutely fit in perfectly, wherever you are.

Roda Grubb

Still Asking, Still Learning, Still Becoming